It's a rainy Friday night and I really didn't have plans to go out. I was feeling a bit tired and I just wanna go home but my friends invited me over for dinner and of course, the endless chatting made me overlooked the time.

I hardly go out anymore and I know that I should but I guess I'm not yet up for it. I'm trying so hard to move on and forget about my broken heart but no matter what I do, everything just reminds me of him. Even tonight, when I was in the company of good friends and the "topic of him" was carefully avoided I still think of him. This is by far, the longest moving on since my first love and I find it rather strange because I usually mend a broken heart so easily but this time I'm way far from being healed.

Is it because somehow, things between us are left hanging and we really didn't have any closure?

I just hate the fact that I am once again in this situation, feeling confused and uncertain. I feel like I'm too old for this, I maybe successful in ignoring this emotion for quite awhile now but I guess, I cannot depend on time and just let things be. I have to do something, but I just don't know how...

I was in a 10-year relationship with my guy best friend and things between us are almost perfect, there was no doubt that we will end up marrying each other and what's nice about all these is the fact that he knows about my illness and he still loves me anyway. For so long, he was my "the one" and I'm happy with him, until someone came along and made everything so complicated. This someone was all wrong for me... But I can't explain that eerie feeling when I first met him, as if there was voice warning me to stay away from him because right there and then I knew that if I get to know him better, I'll fall in love with him... Stupid, right? And I don't even believe in love at first sight.

But I should have listened to that voice, but my stubborn and foolish heart has other things in mind. Since we were working on a same project, we started to hang out and became really close friends. Romance was the farthest from our minds, since we're both in a committed relationship. I can't exactly remember when I started to develop special feelings for him and at the moment that I started to feel like I'm falling for him, I tried to stay away from him but the farther I move away the closer we get. It was a rotten period in my life. I've always been faithful and I felt guilty for having "feelings" for someone else besides my boyfriend. And I kept telling myself I'm not cheating but in a way I feel like I am.

I was trying so hard to conceal my rising emotions towards the other guy and I was unsure about his real feelings about me, until that road trip we had in Quezon Province and that unforgettable night when he told me he was falling in love with me. At that time, I really don't know what to feel, I was happy yet feeling guilty at the same time. We both decided that it was wrong and we should just forget about it. But love has a sneaky way of finding its way...

It's almost 3am and I really should be sleeping now, there's still so much that I wanted to write about but I rather just sleep on it for now.

Labels: love, personal