Written almost five years ago.. just wanna share it with you..
In the past year, I’ve lost a lot. Things have dramatically changed in my life that now I somehow feel lost. I remember a professor in college once told our class that the only constant thing in this world is change, and that every human must be equipped with these changes. I know for a fact that He was telling the truth but I must admit that I’ve always had a hard time coping up with change, I constantly wanted things to stay the way they are. As time passes by, I found myself in a relentless battle of wanting to turn back time and go on living in the past. I try not to have many regrets in my life, because despite everything I am quite thankful for the experiences that contributed to who I am today.
It’s been two years since I graduated from college and bumping with an old friend reminded me of how much I miss that part of my life. When life was still so simple, I miss just hanging around a friend’s dorm and the endless chatting. It’s amazing how things could change in just two years. I was doing great after college, I found a great job, a wonderful family, my friends can still hang out and I’ve got somebody who loves me. It may seem to you that I got everything. Yes, I think did! I was on my road to success and the future ahead looks so promising. I almost got everything I wanted for my life and I thought it would stay that way. It turns out I was very wrong.
You can never really realize how God can change all things in just a snap, in a blink of an eye… It all happened in one morning when I woke up with fever and can’t feel my body from waist down, I can hardly move. No amount of medical explanation can make me understand what happened to me. I was diagnosed to have a rare disease that even with the modern technology can’t quite explain how and why I got it. For six months, I battled for this sickness and depression found its way on me. I was terrified, I am only 24 yrs old how can it be happening to me? I often ask God, why does it have to be me? What have I done to deserve this? I was living an almost perfect life, then why all this? There were so many nights that all I could do was cry and I wanted so much to hate God for allowing me to suffer. During the sickness, I have to quit my job, I couldn’t go anywhere because I couldn’t walk, I stopped seeing my friends for I don’t want them to take pity on me, I lost the love of someone whom I thought was the one for me, I lost a father and amidst all that I somehow lost myself.
You would say that it’s enough reason for me to be angry with God but I’m not, I can’t be mad to the One I owe everything with, to the One who had blessed me with such wonderful things. But I knew that my life will never be the same, I will never be the same. Somewhere between the anguish, the hopelessness and the pain made me drift away to the way I used to be. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss myself the most. How do I find me? Where should I start? And sometimes I wonder if I wanted the old me to be found.
Slowly, I’m getting back on track. I got my job back, reunited with some old friends and enjoying with newfound buddies and a new me. Am I happy? Hmm, I’m getting there, but there are still times that I wished that things didn’t have to change. It still brings me to tears and sleepless nights. I have so much to be thankful for, this is my second chance in life and I may still screw up from time to time but one thing I learned from the past was… everything happens for a reason, for a purpose and we may not truly comprehend why it was brought to us, perhaps it is simply meant to be. God knew that I was losing my path towards Him that’s why He made sure that I’d come back into His arms. There was no way that I could have predicted the future and there is nothing I can do to bring back the past, so I might as well live my life each day as it comes.
Finding me… Nah, I don’t have to. I am already found!
July 27, 2002