I was a bit hesitant to share this photo to the blogging world, well for starters I really don't look good in here but this may not be one of my best photo but it certainly is the most memorable one.

Taken exactly two years ago, when I fell into coma and was sent to the ICU wing of the hospital. That experience changed who I am today, it taught me a lot of things that I am grateful for and if there is one defining moment in one's life, this is mine.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, that God allows even our darkest hour to bring us into the light. God is a God of second chances and I can only bring back the glory to Him by sharing to everyone how God marveled in my life during those nights at the ICU.

September 26, 2005 - I was admitted to the hospital for my second session of chemo therapy, I was actually relaxed and even brought my laptop with me. Everything went well the first time that’s why I didn’t worry that much. I was actually getting used to the pain from the needle shots and I was even texting to my cancer-patient friend whom I met during my first chemo session, she was encouraging me and gave me advice that whenever the needles touches my skin to let my mind drift and wander to wherever I wanna be, just to forget about the pain and I comforted myself by the thought that it will be over soon.

But that night, I don’t exactly know what happened but I fell into coma and almost died. I remember I was half conscious but everything was blurred, I can hear voices, screaming and crying. The medical staff was in chaos and the next thing I knew I’m at the ICU of the hospital, the nurses told me that I was unconscious for almost 18 hours and its a miracle that I am awake. I called for my mom but they say I can’t see her until the allowed visiting time, I was terrified there were tubes everywhere connected to my body and there was an oxygen tube in my nostrils… I can’t move and I want to know what’s going on.

Why am I here?

My heart monitor kept on making an alarming sound, they said that my heart is so weak and my pulse is falling. But I feel fine and I wanna go home. I didn’t understand then what was happening, they just wouldn’t tell me anything and not knowing kills me more. I’m the kind of person who hates surprises, I want to know everything and I want everything to be according to my plan. And lying there helplessly at the ICU bed was not part of my plan and I found myself asking God, trying to spill out what He wants from me.

I spent five days at the ICU, going through a lot of painful medical procedures and many times I was surrounded by an overwhelming silence, almost deafening. I have been a born again christian for most of my life, there was no doubt in my mind that God exists but during those times I had a fall out from my church, I was so angry with God and everyone else that I kept my distance to Him, it even came to the point that I stopped praying but at that moment God used my brokenness, called me again into His arms and I just felt like I'm home. I often told myself that I am not lost, I know my way and I know which way to go but I just had a pause, maybe I got stuck from somewhere and somehow drifted away. But that experience revived me, it literally brought me back to life and I can only thank and praise God for giving me another shot in life.

Labels: Inspirational, personal

Indeed, life is a journey. We are always on the road, running and searching. Each time the sun greets us, we have the opportunity to pause, to see where we have been, to notice how far we have come, and to ponder how the journey has been for us. Every sunrise is always the start of all our beginnings, it is the time to clear our visions and refresh our dreams as we set once more on a journey that is ours.

As I recall many mornings that came my life, I see how differently I have entered each day. Sometimes I greeted the sunrise with deep contentment and peace in my heart, full of gratitude that a new day is about to begin, but most of my mornings I rush into the things that needs to be done. Some mornings when my Lupus illness is very severe, I greeted my mornings with pain and heartaches, with suppressed tears and a heavy burden all over me.

I've walked most of my life with anxiety over struggles and heart filled of worry. My journey so far has been very pleasant. Fair enough, I must say. Whatever happened in my past had all worked together to make me who I am today. Those experiences had made me strong and the lessons I've learned from it will serve as my guide for the future ahead.

But in every walk we make, let's not forget we're not working for vain. In every step we take we're not walking alone. In which way we choose to move ahead there's always a God who had never forsaken us. In every path we travel, God promised that He will never leave us, that He will always love us unconditionally.

So the next time the sun rises upon you, look up, and thank Him for another new day.

Labels: Inspirational

Written almost five years ago.. just wanna share it with you..

In the past year, I’ve lost a lot. Things have dramatically changed in my life that now I somehow feel lost. I remember a professor in college once told our class that the only constant thing in this world is change, and that every human must be equipped with these changes. I know for a fact that He was telling the truth but I must admit that I’ve always had a hard time coping up with change, I constantly wanted things to stay the way they are. As time passes by, I found myself in a relentless battle of wanting to turn back time and go on living in the past. I try not to have many regrets in my life, because despite everything I am quite thankful for the experiences that contributed to who I am today.

It’s been two years since I graduated from college and bumping with an old friend reminded me of how much I miss that part of my life. When life was still so simple, I miss just hanging around a friend’s dorm and the endless chatting. It’s amazing how things could change in just two years. I was doing great after college, I found a great job, a wonderful family, my friends can still hang out and I’ve got somebody who loves me. It may seem to you that I got everything. Yes, I think did! I was on my road to success and the future ahead looks so promising. I almost got everything I wanted for my life and I thought it would stay that way. It turns out I was very wrong.

You can never really realize how God can change all things in just a snap, in a blink of an eye… It all happened in one morning when I woke up with fever and can’t feel my body from waist down, I can hardly move. No amount of medical explanation can make me understand what happened to me. I was diagnosed to have a rare disease that even with the modern technology can’t quite explain how and why I got it. For six months, I battled for this sickness and depression found its way on me. I was terrified, I am only 24 yrs old how can it be happening to me? I often ask God, why does it have to be me? What have I done to deserve this? I was living an almost perfect life, then why all this? There were so many nights that all I could do was cry and I wanted so much to hate God for allowing me to suffer. During the sickness, I have to quit my job, I couldn’t go anywhere because I couldn’t walk, I stopped seeing my friends for I don’t want them to take pity on me, I lost the love of someone whom I thought was the one for me, I lost a father and amidst all that I somehow lost myself.

You would say that it’s enough reason for me to be angry with God but I’m not, I can’t be mad to the One I owe everything with, to the One who had blessed me with such wonderful things. But I knew that my life will never be the same, I will never be the same. Somewhere between the anguish, the hopelessness and the pain made me drift away to the way I used to be. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss myself the most. How do I find me? Where should I start? And sometimes I wonder if I wanted the old me to be found.

Slowly, I’m getting back on track. I got my job back, reunited with some old friends and enjoying with newfound buddies and a new me. Am I happy? Hmm, I’m getting there, but there are still times that I wished that things didn’t have to change. It still brings me to tears and sleepless nights. I have so much to be thankful for, this is my second chance in life and I may still screw up from time to time but one thing I learned from the past was… everything happens for a reason, for a purpose and we may not truly comprehend why it was brought to us, perhaps it is simply meant to be. God knew that I was losing my path towards Him that’s why He made sure that I’d come back into His arms. There was no way that I could have predicted the future and there is nothing I can do to bring back the past, so I might as well live my life each day as it comes.

Finding me… Nah, I don’t have to. I am already found!

By: Emmyrose©

July 27, 2002

Labels: Inspirational, lupus, personal